


How To Disappear.

by buckedz



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Enemies to Friends, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff, M/M, Song fic, buddie, how to disappear, lana del rey - Freeform, sexy times ahead boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 07:02:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29605671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buckedz/pseuds/buckedz
Summary: Buck had fallen in love three times.The third time, he hoped it will lasts, that it will not disappear.-Inspired by the song titled: "How To Disappear" by Lana Del Rey.Please, enjoy.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley&Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 2
Kudos: 113





	How To Disappear.

[**How To Disappear** by Lana Del Rey.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=usdDH5YfvRw)

_"John met me down on the boulevard_  
_Cry on his shoulder 'cause life is hard_  
_The waves came in over my head_  
_What you been up to, my baby?_  
_I haven't seen you 'round here lately_  
_All of the guys tell me lies, but you don't_  
_You just crack another beer_  
_And pretend that you're still here."_

It's the same old. Buck shows up to home, with a broken left arm, and his parents went rogue. His father, could only stare at him and gave him a disappointed look every now and then. His mother, however, were saying things to him. How he always got into trouble, hurt himself, and edging himself to danger every second he got. 

"Mom, I was training for the rugby competition," he tried to explain but was actively ignored.

"You always does this to yourself. You always make us worry with this nonsense!"

Buck furrowed his eyebrows. He tried out for the rugby because he wanted to make the best of his high school life. He wanted to make them proud. But, it always seemed to backfire.

So, he stormed out of the house with tears pooling in his eyes as he fished out his cellphone, calling John. 

John answered, "Hey, babe."

Buck breathed, "Meet me at the boulevard." 

John sucked in the cigarette he's been smoking, exhaling as he asked, "Now?"

Buck kept on walking, "Yes. Please." He tried so hard to hide the crack in his voice but it slipped anyways.

John stumped the cigarette, already on his way to his motorbike. "You alright, Evan?"

Buck shook his head, "I'll tell you. Just, be careful."

At the boulevard, they met. John had stopped to buy a pack of beers. Greeted Evan with a tight hug, a hand grazing at the nape of his neck as Buck cried into his shoulder, muffling the sobs. John held him. Gentle with the touches, hushing him, and peppered him with small kisses along his shoulder. 

Buck did not understand. He tried but he couldn't. As to why his parents seemed to not care; completely dismissing him when he was home; and the worst of all, see through him like he was the worst mistake they ever decided on. 

He was broken-hearted.

John whispered, "I brought your favourite beers." And Buck pulled away from him, only to lean in again with a kiss. A frustrated one. John kissed back as fiercely, wanting Buck to forgot all the bad things he had to go through.

Buck sat on the bike, drinking the beer with his right hand, as he stared into the distance, away from John. John walked closer and blew air into his cheek. Buck scowled before grinning, grateful for John. He handed his beer to John before asking, "What you been up to lately? Haven't seen you in so long." John smiled, sipping the beer and inching closer to Buck, letting the younger man hugged him, "It's just two weeks, Evan."

Buck tightened the hug, "I miss you."

John kissed the top of his head, "I know. I miss you too, baby."

Buck let go, and looked into John's brown eyes, "It's been so hard here without you." John sighed before kissing Buck on the lips, softer and full of promises.

"Tell me what's going on. I'm here now, aren't I?"

Buck smiled, a little sad but then nodded, "Yeah, you are." 

John's a great listener. He's been with a few girls and guys but nothing can quite compare with the way he and John was. John told him everything he needed to hear. He never lied. 

And that was the first time he fell in love. 

But, two months later, John decided to go away. Without telling Buck anything at all. He just disappeared.

_"Joe met me down at the training yard_  
_Cuts on his face 'cause he fought too hard_  
_I know he's in over his head_  
_But I love that man like nobody can_  
_He moves mountains and pounds them to ground again_  
_I watched the guys getting high as they fight_  
_For the things that they hold dear_  
_To forget the things they fear."_

When he was in senior year in college, he met Joe. Joe Rhodes. The college athlete. Buck's bad boy. They met at a night club. Buck just finished with his final exam when his roommate, Albert had forced him to tag along to the club. One drunk sex turned into a solid foundation of their relationship. Joe came from a dysfunctional family too so, it wasn't really hard for them to understand each other deeply. Both transparent to one another. No secrets. No lies.

And Buck; he fell in love for the second time.

It was Saturday. Training day for Joe and off day for Buck, no class and no chores. But they always made time just for the two of them on weekends. Usually, Joe would barged into Buck's room with a couple of joints, few of his friends named Rakeem and Matt followed suit, and shit load of food. He was worried from time to time about getting kicked out the residential college but seeing Joe be free and calm, and sometimes clingy to him, wherever he was high, Buck couldn't care less. The other boys, they were all the same. Just kids-weighed down by the overwhelming emotions and built on past traumas-getting high to forget the things they feared.

But that one Saturday, Joe had asked Buck to go fetch him at the training center. Buck took the Jeep with him, briefly worried about Joe just because he sounded a little different on the phone. 

He was vividly anxious when he saw that Joe had bruises and cuts on his face. Whenever he had these extra bruise and cuts, Buck knew something else had happened and was just ready for the blow Joe was going to give him any second now. Buck got out of the truck and met Joe halfway, cupping his face gently, voice ever so softly as he asked, "Rough session?"

Joe turned away from him, walked over to the Jeep and got inside. Buck sighed. It's clearly a bad day for Joe. Something must had happened at home.

So, he got into the Jeep as well.

He tried to get Joe to talk anyway.

"Hey, are you okay? We could talk, you know?" He started as cautious as he could. The same way John always talked to him. He hated how there's still a piece of John in him but wouldn't mind if it meant he was kinder.

Joe shook his head, "I'm fine."

Buck sighed, "But, Joey, you don't–"

Joe clenched his fist, "Evan, just drop it."

Buck did.

They went back to his room. And as soon as they got into the room, he tried again.

"I just want to make sure you feel okay, Joey."

Joe shook his head, "I'm not okay, Evan. Probably never will be. And it's the same shit all over again. Fuck."

Buck nodded. He understood Joe.

Joe continued, "So, there's literally no point of me telling you the same story again."

Buck nodded, eyes casted downward, "I'm sorry."

Joe closed his eyes tightly, sighing, before holding out his arms, "Come here."

Buck went over to Joe who was sitting on his chair and Joe held their hands together, "These bruises and cuts will heal, Evan. And you, baby. You help me so much with all this shit that's happening."

Buck looked at him, the same way John had watched him before even though he might not realize it and muttered quietly, "I love you."

Joe saw how sad Buck was for him. They were both hurting. 

Joe smiled regardless. He kissed Buck's fingers, "I love you too, Evan."

Joe pulled Buck in until he was on his lap and kissed Buck on the lips. Joe did wince but reassured Buck by rubbing his hands up and down Buck's sides. Slowly snaking his hands under Buck's sweatshirt. He pulled Buck in closer to him. Crotch to crotch as he shamelessly grabbed Buck's ass through his sweatpants and kneading the soft skin. Buck moaned into the kiss, parted his lips and baring his neck for Joe to leave bruises on it. Buck had his hands around Joe's head, moaning louder when Joe rubbed his thumbs against his sensitive nipples.

"Someone missed me." Joe whispered before taking off Buck's shirt to lick the hardened nipples. 

Buck held onto Joe's shoulders, "Joe, _ah_ , please."

Joe spread his legs wider, and reached for the lube on the study desk. "Tell me what you want." 

Buck stared into his eyes, for the second time trusting his whole being to a man that he loved, "I want you. I only ever want you." 

Joe nodded, kissing him dirty once again, "Ah, baby, I love you so much."

Buck gasped then moaned when he felt a slicked up finger was pushed into his hole, trying to move but Joe made him stopped.

"Wait for me, Evan."

He nodded. Then, Joe moved his finger. Earning sinful moans when he added another finger. Buck's beautiful. Sweats glistening on his forehead, pink lips parted with horny noises sputtering out, and eyes closed as he let the fingers fucked him. When Joe slipped out the fingers, Buck whined, opening his eyes in protest. 

"Clothes, off. And get on the bed."

And if Buck had fucked himself on Joe's cock that evening, no one needs to know.

As he laid down on the bed, with Joe snoring softly in his arms, he thought about the times they had spent together. All the late night smoking and talking, the shameless sex, the arguments. He loved it all. He really did. Even though there were times when Joe would explode with anger over some little things Buck's done, he would simply reminded him of this exact moment. The peaceful way Joe slept in his arms.

But, as soon as they graduated from college, they became distant and Joe disappeared. 

Joe became a ghost to Buck.

Haunting him even in broad daylight for the next two years.

_"Now it's been years since I left New York_  
_And I've got a kid and two cats in the yard_  
_The California sun and the movie stars_  
_And I watched the skies getting light as I write_  
_As I think about those years_  
_As I whisper in your ear_  
_I'm always going to be right here_  
_No one's going anywhere."_

Then, he moved out of New York, heading to Los Angeles with a goal in mind: To complete his training of becoming a firefighter. Buck had a great bond with the 118. He had a great boss, and caring friends. Even his sister was back again. For good this time. And life was finally falling into pieces.

But Buck still had troubles with committing into a serious relationship. He wasn't at fault considering his past relationships.

He was afraid. And will always be.

That was until Eddie Diaz.

Eddie Diaz, who he loathed with every fibre of his being.

Eddie Diaz, who had the audacity to press his buttons to get him worked up.

Eddie Diaz, who looked at him, with empathy and professionalism at the same time when Buck confronted him about stepping a line which covered his personal life.

"I know you've been through tough times, but I get it."

"Who the fuck told you that?" It might have come out a little harsher than he intended to be but Eddie was clearly stepping a line. He had no rights to come at Buck and started spilling facts about his private life.

Eddie looked at Buck, his expression softer, eyes apologetic as he said, "It doesn't matter. We're a team, Buck. I don't want to start this on the wrong foot. I'm just saying, I get it. What ever you're feeling, I totally understand."

Buck glared at Eddie, fuming, "You don't. You don't know anything about me." 

Eddie nodded, "Yeah. Unless, you let me."

Buck stepped back, dazed and confused and blinking his eyes a few times. His hands tightly clenched beside him.

Eddie kept staring into his eyes. He got the same brown eyes as John. And, maybe that was one of the reasons he hated Eddie at first sight.

"You don't have to feel threatened by me," Eddie said softly.

Buck shot, "Why would I be threatened by you?"

Eddie smiled, cheeky but also innocent, "Exactly."

From there, Eddie had been trying to make friend with Buck who still putting up a wall between them. But, the calls they got somehow brought down the wall a little. Just enough for both of them to work flawlessly as a team. But not enough for Eddie to get Buck to talk to him. Not enough foe Eddie to make Buck his friend. 

So, after a month of their little argument, he bought a coffee for Buck. Well, he offered to do the coffee run for that day just so he could hand the coffee to Buck himself.

"No, thanks," Buck dismissed him as he tied his boots. Eddie put down the coffee on the bench, in between him and Buck. He eyed Buck for a moment. He didn't know why Buck shut himself like this when it came to Eddie. It was seriously getting annoying.

Eddie tried, "I did not offer to do the coffee run for you to reject this."

Buck said, still focusing to tie his boots, "It's not my fault. I never asked you to buy me one."

Eddie sighed, "What the _fuck_ is your problem, Buckley?"

Buck straightened up, clearly angry as he sucked in breath before glaring at Eddie. "Okay, _you_." He paused. " _You're my problem._ Your comfort level. You walked in here like you've been here for years. You should still be in your probationary headspace but no. You act like you own the place. And it makes me feel like–"

Eddie cut in, "Replaced?"

Buck looked at him and Eddie swore, for a brief moment he saw fear in Buck's eyes. 

Eddie dared Buck to hold his gaze on Eddie, which he did. But no words came out of his mouth as a reply. "Is that what you feel Buck? Being replaced by me?"

And if Buck was making a list of the things he hated about Eddie, he would have added the way Eddie talked to him. Always soft, patient, and understanding. And they weren't even friends.

Buck couldn't take it so he stood up, his flight instinct kicking in, but Eddie said, "Because that isn't what I'm trying to do here. I just want to work. That's all. We're partners, Buck. This shit you're pulling, it drains me in all ways possible. And obviously, correct me if I'm wrong, it drains you too." Eddie stood up to meet Buck's eyes, "But, if you don't want to talk to me, that's fine. I did my part."

Eddie brushed past him and got out of the locker room.

For that whole week, Eddie didn't try to be friendly with him. And Buck was starting to miss it. The way Eddie would offer a smile at him when they arrived and parked their cars at the same time. He missed the times when Eddie would ask Buck about anything related to the topic that the whole squad was talking about during lunch. And he definitely missed the way Eddie would pat his back and said, "Good jod, Buck."

So, he made up his mind. 

He was going to talk with Eddie. Well, that was after Bobby, Hen, Chimney, and Athena ganged up on him.

Bobby had paired both Buck and Eddie for cleaning duty in the supply room. With a stern look from Bobby, Buck followed Eddie to the back.

He rearranged the supplies while he gathered the courage to talk.

Eddie knew. And was slightly amused seeing Buck working up his nerves to confront him.

He breathed in, "Uh, Eddie."

Eddie didn't even look at him when he hummed, "Hm?"

Buck scratched the back of his neck. "I, uh, can you stop what you're doing?"

Eddie stood up, giving him the stink eye, "Are you serious, right now? I can't even do my work anymore? You really do hate me that much, huh?"

Buck blinked, "What– No, no. I want to uh, apologize."

Eddie folded his arms across his chest.

Buck sighed, "I know I was being a dick to you."

"Oh, yeah, you were."

"Let me say my piece first, Eddie."

"Go on."

"I'm sorry, okay? I was in a bad headspace and I took it out on you. It was very wrong of me to do that, and believe me, I knew that. But, I-I can't help it."

He stopped, looking at Eddie, who had a softer gaze now.

"I had issues."

Eddie hummed.

"You're not going to say anything?"

"You finished?"

Buck nodded.

"Forgiven."

"What?"

Eddie nodded, "I forgive you. And can we just go back to work?"

Buck tilted his head, making Eddie's heart swell and that's new. "That's it?"

Eddie raised an eyebrow, "What? You wanna go out for a lunch? Watch a movie?"

Buck had his lips parted in confusion, "I don't understand."

Eddie smiled. He found it amusing seeing Buck like this. "I'm asking you out on a lunch so we can talk about this more. And I'll bring my son, too."

Buck smiled, still in confusion, "Christopher?"

Eddie genuinely grinned. The same bright grin that made Buck's heart skipped a beat the first time they greeted Eddie. "You knew."

Buck ducked his head, suddenly shy, "Yeah, from Hen and Chim."  
  
"Have you seen him?"

Buck shook his head.

Eddie fished out his phone to show Buck a picture of Christopher. 

"Super adorable," he paused to look at Eddie who was giving him a tender look, before saying, "I love kids."

Eddie nodded with a small smile.

Then, they went out on that said lunch. Then, on a second lunch. Then, Buck was invited to Eddie's house, spending his day off with Christopher. As time went on, they became best friends. Even though sometimes Eddie was sure Buck was Christopher's best friend more than Buck was his best friend.

They always welcomed Buck into their routine.

Buck knew his ways in Eddie's kitchen.

Buck knew Christopher's schedule. His favourite books. His favourite movies.

Buck thought maybe this was him trying to be explore the possibility of him being in love again.

He was not sure at first. The looks, words, touches; they were all there. Eddie never fail to be there for Buck whenever he needed someone to confide into. And late at night, when Buck was reading articles and finding brand new information, he would text Eddie, who always replied as soon as he can. Eddie would call Buck to hear that man rambles about the trivia at three in the morning. And Buck thought about that a lot. 

And he was so sure this time.

He was sure that he had fallen in love with Eddie Diaz.

"Wait, so why the hell did you hate me so much, though?"

They were in Buck's kitchen. Buck doing the dishes while Eddie sat on the stool, sipping a bottle of beer. Buck scrubbed the plate, "Like I said, I had issues. I always felt I'm not a constant in everywhere I've been. Eddie, you are clearly much better than me. Physically and experience-wise."

Eddie is silent. "You know that's not true, right?"

Buck smiled to himself, just so in love with the way Eddie always reassures him, "I'm working through it."

He dried his hands using the kitchen towel then sat on one of the stools, sipping Eddie's beer. Eddie watched him, "I'm here. You can always come to me, Buck. You know that."

Buck nodded, "That, I know."

The silent stretched over them.

Eddie licked his lips before sipping the beer, "You don't hate me now, right?" 

Buck laughed, "No, Eddie. Quite the opposite."

Eddie blinked.

Buck stared at him.

"Eddie, you can't say you didn't feel what I feel whenever we're together."

Eddie was still silent. Buck gave him time.

And then Eddie asked, "What...what exactly do you feel?"

Buck thought, _this is it_. He can't lose. There was just no way.

"The first time I saw you in the station, I get the same feeling when I...when I fell in love." 

The same feeling when John kissed his forehead or when Joe told him that he loved what ever they had going on.

He continued, "That's why I hated you. I like you and I wasn't ready to deal with all those overwhelming emotions."

Eddie asked, "Are you ready now?"

Buck looked into Eddie's eyes. Torn between telling the truth and lying to save himself from another heartbreak.

"I honestly don't know."

Eddie smiled, remembering the moments he had with Buck, "I like you too, Buck. Hell, that was the reason I was so frustrated when you ignored me."

Buck laughed, "Oh, yeah?"

"Oh, _yeah_."

Then, Buck asked, "So, what now?"

Eddie took a breath in, and out. "I'll follow your lead, Buck. Whenever you're ready, I mean it."

Buck stood up to stand in front of Eddie, making Eddie tilted his head up, "Can I kiss you, though?"

Eddie grinned, "Thought you'd never ask."

Then, Buck leaned down and they kissed. And kissed. And kissed.

Eddie breathes, "Wait, Chris."

Buck smiled, looking down and he caressed Eddie's cheek, "I know."

In the midst of having fun with each other, Buck and Eddie often talked about their lives. Their past. Their insecurities. Their hopes.

Everything was going well.

Christopher loved both of them. Demanding that Buck should move in so that it will be easier for him to cook and help dad with the chores.

"Oh, so you're saying I'm here just for that? To cook and clean?" Buck put down the puzzle and pretended to sulk.

Christopher climbed onto his lap and cupped his face, "No, Buck. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it." Then, he hugged Buck and Buck just melted, hugging Christopher back as tight. 

"Oh, buddy."

Christopher whispered, "I love you, Buck." 

Buck kissed the side of Christopher's head, and said back, "I love you too, Chris. Always."

Eddie who was peeking from the kitchen teared up. But that was his business.

A few weeks later, they were sprawled out in front of the TV. With Christopher fast asleep in the bedroom, Buck and Eddie were tangled up as they watched the movie. 

Buck suddenly turned around so he was resting his head onto Eddie's chest.

Eddie smiled at him, "What's up, cariño?"

Buck bit his bottom lip, "Call me that again."

Eddie dragged him up as he said, "Cariño, mi amor, mi vida," then kisses Buck deeply. The younger man scrambled to positioned himself on top of Eddie. Eddie slid his fingers into Buck's thin-layered T-shirt, scratching his back lightly as Buck grazed his lips. Buck wiggled his hips to create friction and Eddie groaned at the feel. He slapped Buck's ass, earning a moan, and he smirked. "Oh, wow, Evan." 

Buck chuckled and kissed Eddie once more before jokingly muttering, "Spank me harder, daddy," against Eddie's lips. Eddie laughed, "You're gonna be death of me, Buck." Buck laughed too, "Well, at least fuck me first, Eddie Diaz." He grinded his hips against Eddie's hardening bulge, grateful that both of them wears football shorts and no boxers.

Eddie moaned, louder than he intended, "You fucker."

Buck hushed Eddie, "Hey, be quiet. Don't wanna wake up Chris, do we?" 

Eddie nodded, eyes closed, focusing on Buck's voice and the feeling of being so lustful.

Buck kissed Eddie, "Good. Moan like this," he grinded more as he moaned beside Eddie's ear. Quiet whispers but sinful as ever. 

Eddie grabbed his shorts and tugged them down, exposing them to the cool air. Then, Eddie smacked the cheeks, causing the blonde to gasp and hiss. 

"That hurt you, baby?" Eddie asked as he smacked again.

Buck moaned, "No, uh, uh, Eddie please."

Eddie spread the cheeks, and teased Buck's hole. Buck reacted with his hold body, "Eddie..."

"Buck."

Buck lazily grinded and pushed back into Eddie's fingers, desperate. "Hmm?"

Eddie pulled up the shorts and held Buck's hip still. Those movements made Buck snapped his head up.

"Wha–Why? Hey, you okay?"

Eddie's pupils were still blown wide with lust.

"Yeah. But, I want you fuck me, tonight."

Buck's mouth went dry. Hundreds of images of Eddie begging him for more made their way into his head.

"Bed?" 

Eddie grinned, "Please."

The next morning, they woke up to a light rain. The sound was so soothing against the windows and the roof. Eddie was wrapped around Buck and Buck softly ran his fingers through Eddie's hair. 

Buck couldn't believe this.

He had this.

"Your thoughts are louder than the raindrops, Buck."

Buck chuckled as he squeezed Eddie's cheeks and tilted his face up. Eddie tried to pry away Buck's hand but Buck firmed a 'no'. "Look at you. So adorable in the morning. In my arms, well, my hand." Eddie rolled his eyes and whined again. 

Buck kissed him, releasing the grip to rest it on Eddie's shoulder as the older man climbed on top of him.

They parted. Buck scrunched his nose up, "Gross."

Eddie shot him a look. Then, left kisses all over Buck's face which made him laugh.

"Okay, okay, Eddie!" 

Eddie looked up at him, his brown eyes almost resembled the honey, "I love you."

Buck wrapped his arms around him, "I love you too."

Eddie grinned. And so did Buck.

"Hey, just, know that I'm very grateful for both of you, alright? Even though, at times I might not believe this. I am grateful."

Eddie nodded, "I know you do, Buck. And I'll be here. Always. To remind you that this is us. To show you that I really love you."

Buck traced Eddie's spine, "Have I told you, I love you?"

Eddie grinned cheekily, "Nope."

Buck said, "I love you, Edmundo Diaz."

Eddie hid his face in Buck's shoulder, "You're making me blush. That's not cool."

Buck said again, "I love you, Eddie."

Eddie peeked at him with that shy smile playing on his lips, "I love you too, Buck."

Buck sighed frustratedly, "How the hell are you so cute?"

Eddie laughed, "I just am."

Buck rolled his eyes as he shoved Eddie off playfully, "Go away, go away."

Eddie climbed on top of him again, kissing his lips, "You're stuck with me, Buck. And with Christopher." 

Buck smiled, "The best decision I've made."

Eddie did not disappeared.

He stayed.

Christopher stayed.

And Buck was happy.

  
The End.

**Author's Note:**

> Come and be an emotional crackhead with me at Tumblr (same username).  
> Have a good day, ahead, my loves.


End file.
